NTSB: “Red Lights” to Be Renamed “Mobile Texting Locations”

Citing the uncontrollable urge of drivers to text while waiting for a traffic light to change, the National Transportation Safety Board will cease making any future reference to “red lights” or “intersections” and simply call them “mobile texting locations.” The new name will better describe the areas of the roadway where drivers immediately begin texting or Snapchatting when a traffic signal changes to red resulting in an average window of 30-90 seconds in which to transmit or receive an urgent communication via a handheld cellular device. The more accurate nomenclature will help better describe the reason why the first car in line always fails to react to the green light because they are distractedly texting their spouse about running late from work because they had to stop at the grocery store, or telling their BFF that they LOL’d at a GIF. After careful consideration, the NTSB chose the new terminology after eliminating several other suggestions such as “inconsideration zones” and “asshat assembly areas.” Prior to publication, the driver of the last car who failed to make it through the green light in time began to furiously pound his fist on the steering wheel before hurriedly grabbing his iPhone in order to check 14 new work e-mails.